So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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