I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
