I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
