I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
