Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I love you. Go after that dick
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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