my shit smells like andre
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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