i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
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I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.