i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
These 19 Sad People Chose Video Games Over Sex
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.