just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat