Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
