so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
