Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
