saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
