no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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