he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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