Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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