the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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