I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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