I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
