Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
