Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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