The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
