It's like God shit irony all over that family
two words: eviction party
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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