Me too!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
