so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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