I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
