I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
