just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
