hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
