apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
