I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
