I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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