I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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