I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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