Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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