I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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