a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
