Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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