P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
