The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
