Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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