I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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