He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
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i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
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we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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