Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
