Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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