The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
