did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
