This house was built for laser tag.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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