no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
