Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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