dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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