dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
