You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've blown a few things in my day
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
