All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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