and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
