dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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