is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
