New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My ass is underappreciated
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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