Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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